- "That dragon must have been dead for CENTURIES! Look, there's only the skeleton of it left."
- (PC confronted by Khelben "Blackstaff" Arunson. Lord Mage of Waterdeep):
"Does that white streak in your beard mean you're a skunk?"
- "Oh what a cute monkey! Can I pet it?"
- "What are you going to do, copper? Arrest me?"
- "I don't need to pay good money for a guide to a lousy airport!"
- "Oooo! Treasure! I didn't know Call of Cthulhu had treasure!"
- "So... are these statues or what?" (tapping one of four earth elementals on the shoulder)
- "Who stole my ammunition?"
- "He comes... (two rounds silence) ...from the right!!!"
- "We'll wait to attack the rocker gang until their number is a match to us."
- "Guys, I simply forgot to note down the spell description."
- "I'll sneak with my lighted lamp. I don't have Night Vision."
- "56? In the Head?"
- "Your beard looks like the hairy ass of an ogre." (said to a dwarf)
- PC: "Wow, all the con troupers are dead and we are still alive! Nice and easy. There wasn't a dragon on this island after all, or we would have seen it by now! I leave the building."
GM: "You look up and see a big dragon approaching through the air while casting a force 10 Manaball at you..."
PC: "Shit, I knew we should have dropped the bombs into that stupid lake instead of on the buildings..."
- "After we have defeated all the golems I go and touch the cursed statue again. No magic trap will activate twice!"
- "The guy is firing a phosphor grenade straight at me? Uh oh, I don't know Physical Barrier... I cast a Fireball at the grenade, it should be easily flammable...!"
- "What do you mean 'You see something small bounce down the stairs above you...'??"
- PC (druid): "I call down lightning from the heavens on the evil demon- possessed druid! Die, traitor!"
GM: "It bounces harmlessly off."
PC: "WHAT? Come on, I wish to see this spell work only once."
GM: "He goes on chanting and waving his arms and calls down lightning ON YOU! Did you cast Protection from Lightning on yourself?"
- "My blessed magical throwing hammer has imbedded itself in the wall? I run into the collapsing cave and pry it out of the stones!"
- "No effect? I shoot at the Earth Elemental again."
- "I throw the sticks of dynamite into the great arc of electricity to create a diversion so that we may flee!"
- GM: "The enemy aims with his rocket launcher at you!"
PC: "He is aiming at me?"
GM: "A rocket is fired towards you."
PC: "A rocket is fired towards me?"
GM: "The rocket heads directly at you and comes nearer and nearer!!!"
PC: "It comes flying at ME?"
GM: "No. It's there!" BOOOOM
- "Hah, both of us know that you cannot shoot me right here in the park in front of all those people."
- "I think I'll share some of my rations with the bear."
- "What do you mean you forgot to close the warp-gate?"
- "Geez... that guy looks mad now. Can I un-cast that fireball?"
- "Hey wait, I got an idea. We'll wait until the sun goes down and then we can sneak in!" (Preparing to infiltrate a Drow dwelling)
- PC1: "Great, now we're lost. How are we ever gonna' get out of here?" PC2: "Don't worry I've been leaving behind a trail of gold pieces for us to follow." PC1: "Then you mean all this gold I've been collecting was...."
- PC: "Give yourself up! You already used all six of your bullets, I counted them."
Gunslinger: "Oh, is that so?"
Player steps out from behind a boulder.
PC: "The first one hit this rock in front of me, the second, third, and fourth bullets all hit the ground before me, the fifth bullet went over my head and ricocheted hitting the wall, and the sixth bullet hit the wall...wait a minute.."
- GM: "The Water Dragon attacks your boat and knocks you all overboard."
PC (Floating in the water with his companions): "I cast lightning bolt."
- PC1: "Look, I found a ring of determination!" (puts it on)
PC2: "Ring of what? Let me take a look at that." (grabs his hand)
PC1: "You idiot, that's a ring of deterioration not determination."
- "What do you mean, the sword shattered!?"
- "Just leave everything to me."
- "There's no way he could possibly summon that many demons. I think he's bluffing."
- "The assassin is climbing down a rope on the side of the building? Ok, I leap off the building and try to tackle him on the way down."
- "A tentacle has wrapped itself around my arm? I transmute that arm into molten rock." (You give a pc god-like powers and they forget that they aren't resistant to heat...)
- PC1: "Hmmmm, seems like giant insects..."
PC2: "Probably only normal bugs that were subjects to an apprentice's ENLARGE spell."
- "Hey, he only has a knife and we are three veteran-warriors."
- "I read the book as I drive the car."
- "How much cover does a mountain provide?"
- "No, Mr. Troll, we're only illusions."
- "I lock myself in the bank vault so when the villain comes to steal I'll be there to catch him."
- "Well... one torso more or one torso less..."
- "But how, three-meter spiders don't exist."
- "I think... that... the anti-matter leak... was my fault."
- "While the rest are fighting I'll sneak into the [pause..look around] professionally guarded and fortified aaarrrgghhh."
- "Hey... It's only a little old man holding a pair of chopsticks."
- "I know what this is - it's a telescope! You hold it up to your eye and turn this..." (It was a lightsaber)
- "This suit of full plate is making too much noise. I better take it off."
- "Is this green stuff on the floor Jell-O?"
- "Four inches tall, blue, wearing white pants and hats, with fangs? Where did the vampiric Smurfs come from?"
- "Creatures following us, and a funny smell? I'll cast fireball on them anyway. That should kill them."
- "I refuse. Trolls stink when they burn."
- "What are you going to drink? Blood?"
- (PCs have just entered a cave filled with orcs. They were hiding behind a large stone and had not been spotted):
PC1 (a paladin): "The entire place is filled with orcs!"
PC2 (a knight): "Let's charge them. I want those XP's!"
PC1: "NO wait, we can't charge them. We do not know if they are evil. My God would forbid this instantly!"
PC2: "Okay" (stepping out from behind the stone and shouts) "ARE YOU EVIL???"
- "Didn't you say there was only ONE demon here???"
- "I wonder who the fellow with the black armour among the Storm Troopers is. I'll use the Force to find out."
- "What do you mean 'The large shadow in front of me is MOVING.'"
- "My magic shield will hold on forever against these arrows, won't it?"
- Party read an incantation falsely, which summoned a Balrog:
Mage: "I read the incantation again. Maybe if we summon another Balrog, it'll fight the other one."
- "Bible bombs?!" said by the Champions character Blaster after having been handed one.
- "Let me get this straight. You left the villain where?" said after defeating a villain and having a compatriot rush him to the hospital.
- "I dive on the grenade and roll it under the car."
- "My ships attack into Arachnid territory and start shooting anything that moves."
- "Of course I'm lawful."
- "He had a gun, too???"
- "I still have my second hand."
- "Why isn't he fighting me?"
- "You're a nice doggy."
- "What are this wires for?"
- "May I speak with your boss?"
- "Let me see! I have never seen a REAL bomb!"
- "Man, that was damn close!"
- "Think of the reputation!"
- GM: "They don't want to kill you. They are using Taser."
PC (panically): "Taser?!?"
GM: "Yes, they hit... your back pack."
GM: "What do you mean 'Aaaaarrgghhhh'?"
PC: "It contains C-4."
- PC: "Stupid thief, I've got a HUNDRED percent chance of finding traps."
PC: (to DM) "I smash in the door."
- "Hey, let's just save arrows."
- "I don't care if you're Poseidon."
- "I'm a cyborg and he's just got a little automatic pistol"
- "I know I'm driving fast, but my control roll will still be at 85%."
- "What'd'ya mean actions have consequences? This is just a game isn't it?"
- Bad Guy: "I sense a great power nearby."
PC: "Hey, It's not me! I'm just a novice wizard."
Bad Guy: "Oh, really?" ZOT!
- GM: "Don't even bother with the saving throw."
- Vikings: "Tell me Goti, is the captain, Wulfgar bad luck to travel with?"
Goti: "Of course not."
- PC1: "Cool, now that the trolls are dead I hack them into tiny pieces in a frenzy."
PC2: "And I'll make camp. We'll stay here till the morning."
- "What does 'Environmental Hazard' mean?"
- "Such an unholy creature can't defeat us!"
- "What's the name of that demon? Azariel, or Aramoth? Or Azgaroth? That's it! Azgaroth! ... Hey! Aaaaaaaaaarrgh...."
- GM: "You spot an invisible enemy sneaking at you."
PC: "I act like I didn't spot it."
- "I hope he knows no big spells."
- "Hey, guys we'll have mushrooms for lunch."
- "Are you sure there's no electricity in it?"
- "Would you mind throwing that knife over here?"
- "Are you sure it's fresh?"
- "I do not believe in the god of lightning!" (shouted ontop of a hill during a raging storm in anger of travel difficulties)
- "I wonder where that portal leads to?"
- Ding! Dong!
PC: "Anyone ordered pizza?"
- "These fruits taste really good."
- PC1 (who has missed last session) : "What did you do last month?"
PC2: "We met HASTUR."
PC1: "Who is HASTUR?"
GM: evil smile
- "ummmm..... is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
- PC: "My brother will avenge me!"
The assassin takes off his mask, "I will?"
- "Hmm three Minutes?? I'll go check the Fuse."
- "I'll shove a stick up the Stone Statues Nose" (actually being a Stone GOLEM!
- "I'll insult the guy in Elvish, he doesn't understand Elvish, does he?"
- PC1: "Okay so be a Communications Officer..."
PC2: "Communication OFFICER! What the hell do they do, 'Hello all of are other officers are busy at the moment would you like to call back later or hold until one is available'"
- "I'll go and try my new shotgun first."
- PC: "I buy a chicken."
GM: "Ok, the farmer hands you a chicken. That'll be 5sp."
PC: "Ok. And now I force the chicken to drink my Potion of Chicken-Turning." (Causing the chicken to be turned into a pyrolisk, a chicken-like bird with a deadly gaze.)
GM: "It turned into a chicken with bat-wings, a ratlike tail ending in a bunch of feathers, and red fiery eyes."
PC: "IT DID WHAT? Well, I hypnotize it..." (Meeting it's deadly gaze)
- (fighting a necromancer) "Hee, where did my leg go?!?!"
- "But he is my pet! That dire wolf will listen to me!"
- "What do you mean I lost my backpack? I need those potions!"
- "Nah, orcs are stupid, they never lay in an ambush."
- "WHAT came out of that treasure chest?"
- "I hope that rolling rock is not causing to much damage..."
- "WHAT do you mean?!?! I fizzled my spell?"
- "This looks like a healing potion, maybe I'll try it."
- "A contract appears out of nowhere? I sign it."
- "You silly water nagas have no power outside of your pool."
- "The metal is dissolving? I quickly gather some in my potion flask."
- "Don't point that staff at me, you stupid b*tch!"
- PC returns to flybot left out in the rain with the canopy open.
PC: "OK, I'll take it up above tree level and have a look for the others."
GM. "Your feet are wet - there's a lot of water in here."
PC: "Right, I'll flip it upside down."
- "Stop arguing people, I'll prove to you once and for all that this is NOT an electric fence!"
- GM: "So you're hanging from the cross shaped window bars, lucky your character wasn't repelled by crosses."
PC: "Ummm...it was." (in Vampire)
- PC1: "Maybe we need something to block the swinging blades."
PC2: "Don't look at me like this..."
- "I'll have what she's having." (in a bar that serves extra-terrestrian clients)
- "oh! sorry I´ve dropped all the drinks on your books."
- "Who's left the window open?" (it was the assassin.)
- "I hope it hits one of my companions."
- PC: "I escape out the prison window."
GM: "You are 3 stories up."
PC: "No, I *was* 3 stories up."
- "Step aside and let me open it!"
- GM: "The nuclear-missile silo that you're located in is EXTREMLY sensitive to heavy electronics like cybernetics and ro..."
PC: "Heh, lucky we don't have any robots in our party!"
(What he didn't know was that two of the PC:s were Terminator-type
- "We've come for the women" said upon entering an Amazon warriors camp.
- "Maybe we have bit off more than we can chew."
- "So you're a demon. Can you do tricks?"
- "Who is mister tall, dark, and immortal?"
- "Well, I've assassinated the Tyrant. Isn't everybody happy?"
- "Out comes the bastard sword."
- "I hit the glass golem with my staff." (of healing)
- A group, cornered by an army of enemies:
Priest: "Oh, please, God, help us!"
[God appears]: "You may ask *one* question!"
Troll: "All of us?"
God: "No." [poof]
- "The barkeeper's eyes turn what color after I stabbed him?"
- "OK so the four giants have me by the arms and legs. I still refuse to pay the 18th level fighter mage the 500 platinum to let me go."
- "You mean you're not Odin? Darkness? Never heard of you."
- "Oh so that's what a Blood Thirster looks like."
- "ARRRRRGH Who let the gretchin drive the war truck!!!!???!!!"
- "What happens when you roll a one to shoot a plasma?"
- "The thing I killed was a Brownie? Well who the hell asked it to go around sneaking into people's houses anyway?"
- "Don't worry my holy avenger does double damage against red dragons. Wait a minute what color were they again?"
- "Boy I think I need glasses. It looked like the statue moved."
- (to physician) "What is Ly-can-thro-py. Well nothing a couple of days in bed won't cure."
- "I'm sorry master I didn't know that delicious turkey was your familiar."
- PC: "That's pretty clever, ey?"
Demon: "No, that's pretty clever..."
- "Well, it smells like a Healing Potion."
- "Tell me again why we're doing this..."
- "Damnit, I forgot to renew my DocWagon contract!"
- "You DID bring spare bullets, didn't you?"
- "I wouldn't worry. They are dead for at least thousand years."
- "Come on, I can see from here that his beard is false. Hell, I will prove it to you."
- "Don't worry, they don't call me Cat for nothing. Got nine lives, you know?"
- "This branch will be firm enough to hold both of us."
- "What do you mean I had to take the skill "pistols" in order to use my handgun?!"
- PC1: "May I borrow your gun?"
PC1 (ironically): "To commit suicide."
PC2 shoots PC1.
- "Here's what I will do: Crack the lid of the magical chest open, then jump back around the corner and hide!"
- "I'll take off the ninja's mask."
- PC1: "Is that a Vampire over there?"
PC2: "Yeah it is... get a cross, it all we'll need to get past it."
- "Ok, you can all take a little nap while I take care of this thing with so many funny eyes."
- "C'monguys, what's the worst thing a cursed item's gonna do?"
- "Hey what are a bunch of farmers with pitchforks gonna do?"
- "I cast... , oh shit, that's my other character!"
- "A tarrawhat??"
- "Ok guys, who remembered what the old guy at the entrance said?"
- "Can you take a cure potion during a fight?"
- DM: "You will need an impressive result to pull out this stunt..."
PC: "Is 7 on 6d6 impressive enough?"
- GM: "There's a pit blocking your way across the cavern."
PC: "Pit ehh , I throw a rock down and count."
GM: "5 seconds later you hear a splash."
PC: "A splash? Hey I could jump down..."
- "What's a 'potion miscibility table'?"
- "Why were medusa's so dangerous?"
- PC: "What, a hill giant? I drink a random potion..."
GM: "You shrink to 10% of your current size."
- "Just let me pick up my staff, you barbarian!"
- "Right.... I use my pickpockets ability to steal the egg from under the mated pair of black dragons."
- "Stop shooting! I'm an undercover agent, you're disrupting an investigation!"
- "I look where the first bullet came from."
- "Hey dude, I'm not going to duel with you if you wear that cheater's armor."
- "Kneel before your lord!"
- Village people: "A witch! Burn her!"
PC: "I'm not a witch, I'm a cleric, blessed by the gods!"
Village people: "Burn the blasphemous witch!"
- "Kewl! Han Solo! There's a nice bounty on his head! I'll get him."
- "I turn this bag inside-out!" (It was a bag of devouring.)
- "Hey, I just noticed that I still have this water breathing amulet!" (The party was in a sinking ship surrounded by panicked sailors)
- "I thought it was on auto-pilot!"
- PC1: "Zev?"
- PC1: "Why does that tree have sulfur all over it?"
PC2: "No, that's not sulfur."
- "I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips."
- "Hey, he shouldn't step out of my pentagram just like that, eh?"
- PC1: "The Dwarf picks up the magic bagpipes and blows them!"
GM: "A shockwave shakes the whole room- Anyone carrying glass potion bottles roll D20.
PC2: "But the illusionist has just picked up all those potion bottles..." (rolls several times)
PC1: "Do the different potions mix?"
- "The necroman-Err- I mean- the good cleric- sneaks to the back of the party."
- PC1: "WHAT??? A Lich-King??? Quick- everyone chuck the treasure in the teleportation chest so the lich can't get it..."
PC2,3,4: "Yes, right, we dump the treasure in the chest so it's safe!"
PC1: "The dwarf jumps in the chest after the treasure and teleports back home..."
- "You're QUITE sure that I couldn't POSSIBLY tell that it was a bowl of watery death???"
- (PC has just ridden into a low-hanging branch after failing a riding roll in a desperate flight from a pack of Yeth hounds)
PC: "Okay- so he's unconscious and bleeding...but the others will be able to find him in time..."
GM: "Didn't you say you put on your Ring of Invisibility?"
- "He's bleeding. So we can kill him."
- "Nice muscles, only your big fat head..."
- "Don't worry, Jack, I can fix a light bulb."
- "Who's there?"
- "What is this white powder? Smells kinda funny... Gimme more." (drugs)
- "Don't gibberlings run away once you've killed half of them?"
- "Let them come, you slew the dragon so you'll be a hero."
- "You can't kill me after all what I've done for you."
- "I told you we shouldn't come in here."
- "Our gm is harsh but fair (snigger)."
go to title page | authors
0001-0250 | 0251-0500
0501-0750 | 0751-1000
1001-1250 | 1251-1500
This page was coded and designed by S A Rudy. You can find out more about her at S A Rudy's Simple, Yet Functional Homepage.